Why a rabid squirrels and zombies are the only acceptable responses

I work at Clean Water Action, and I know I have told you (and you have seen for yourself) just how much time I have at work. Unfortunately in addition to blogging, doing my homework, discussing conspiracy theories with my co-workers, and playing spider solitaire, I also have to work...

There are many stressful aspects of my job, I have to hear a lot about peoples money problems, I have to deal with insane amounts of loud and obnoxious answering machines, and I have to NOT yell at some really ignorant people.

*** This is not to say that all clean water members are poor, annoying or ignorant...most are wonderful, caring and thoughtful people who I enjoy talking with, and wouldn't mind talking to again...I'm just saying that I make a LOT of calls, and the dialer doesn't seem to like me much. 

When I call people, they have a million and one reasons and excuses not to take my call, most of them dumb... here are a few examples:

I  am in the middle of a meeting at work
I am in the hospital and my phone isn't supposed to be on
I am in the middle of a class
I am driving
I am in the shower

 All these problems could be solved if people just didn't answer their phones when they can't be talking on the phone...Especially in places where they tell you that phones cannot even be on because they will mess with the ability for life saving equipment to go on working and saving lives, it really should be common sense ...I'm just saying .

 I also really love getting yelled at because they can't believe I would call them at the number I called them at, and what the hell is wrong with me...I would love to call them at a better time or place, but that is the only number THEY gave us to call, and the time of day which THEY requested...I just assumed that it was the number they wanted me to have...I was wrong...I know that now...

 Often at work I am confused, can't people see that we are environmental champions? (superhero's if you will) and that they are standing in the way of us actually saving the planet?

Now I don't know if any Clean Water members will ever read this, but just in case, I would like to give you a list of excuses that I would like you to use in the event that you can't talk but stupidly answered your phone anyway...

 1. A rabid squirrel is in my house, it is stalking me and I need to hang up to call animal control... O my god...its biting me...please make it stop!

 2. I am being sucked into a vortex in my closet which leads to an alternate universe where they have protected and cherished their natural resources and have no current need of saving.

3.My car is hurtling off a cliff, because I swerved to avoid hitting a family of geese that were crossing the road... it was worth it

 4.It's the zombie apocalypse, I can't worry about that right now I need to find a hidi.... BRAINS!

Thanks so much for your cooperation, I thank you in advance for only giving GOOD and PLAUSIBLE excuses like these in the future!

My new and improved job-phobia

So as we all know, the job market in this economy is brutal. But I am poor, and work is going very bad today, so I decided to look for a second job...

As I looked, I began realizing just how bad things could be... these are some of the jobs I considered

I am sure my kids and husband would not all fit with me in a cardboard box, I kept looking...

The next job I thought of was dog walker, this seemed innocent enough, and I love dogs so I seriously considered it

This is when I remembered that when dogs tangle you up in their leashes, they generally think it is the very best time to run a 3k... as we all know I am walking challenged already, so running with multiple dogs would probably end in death...

Thinking about dogs and how much I love animals, made me consider animal control as a plausible option...

 then I thought about what animals are usually involved in animal control situations, and how ill equipped I am to deal with many of them, and I quickly gave up on that idea.

I love craigslist, because they advertise pretty much everything you could want or need, so I began going through their job database for my area... I found many jobs, but only a few I was qualified for ...

I don't think so!

 

 I think it is pretty clear by now that if you are me, the business world is fraught with hidden peril!

I guess I'll keep looking, and try not to acquire too many new phobias along the way... being a responsible adult is hard!!!

The best F***ing band ever!!!!!!!

There is something you should all know about me and sister #3, we are in the best f***ing band ever known to man.... It is called "if we had dicks we'd be the toadies". (I'm sorry if this affends any of my family members who may come across my blog, I promise the rest of this post is dick free)

Now I'm sure there are a few questions wandering through your mind as you read this... why have I never heard your music? where did you get such an awesome guitar? since when do you guys know how to play instruments? and... who the hell are the toadies, and why would you be them?
All very good questions, and since I am so helpfull I will answer them all.

First off I should probably explain that we have no actual musical experience. we do not do our own music, and we do not know how to play any instruments... this may be why you have never heard of us...and my guitar is mearly a beutiful figment of my imagination (I'm sorry, you will never own one like it, it is mine)

***sometimes we switch and she plays guitar while I play drums, and sometimes in the middle of a song, for no apparent reason, we both switch and wind up playing completely different instruments...we are a very versatile band!

Now we get to the heart of the matter... the Toadies are an early 90's grunge band, and we have a car cover band devoted to them. Ultimately this just involves me and sister #3 riding around aimlessly in her car, pretending to play and screaming out lyrics.

***this may seem like a bad idea, what with sister #3 driving and all, but really it's fine.... usually fine.
The fact that this is all pretend and we don't actually have a band might give you the impression that we are not the greatest band that ever was...you would be mistaken, we most certainly are!

Now many of you may think this is lame, I would like to assure you that we know it is... some of you may ask yourself, why would they do this?
well I'll tell you : THE F***ING FAME BABY!

justin bieber, hannah montanna, disney princess, how to make your tummy flat and get big boobs

Actually, my post today has nothing to do with any of those things. My husband told me to work common search topics into my post so more people will check me out. Since I have an unhealthy desire to see what popularity feels like, I decided to try it...

Today I am really talking about something very sad in my life... sad = unfortunate, not depressing... I am very clumsy, and when I say that I am referring to the constant battle between me and inanimate objects.

I'm sure you get the Idea...As you can see, I'm pretty sure the sun is in on it as well...
This war has continued throuout my life, there was a 3 year stretch where I had a cast on halloween, and 4 straight years where I had a cast or brace through summer camp. When I was younger, sister #2 and I would come up with great stories about how I got my many injuries... as far as most people knew I was a car surfer, a cliff jumper, and an avid skiir. Obviously these things are not true (and I would most likely be dead if they were) but they served to mask the fact that I am just dumb, while also giving people the impression that I was much cooler than I was...

A notable injury that I'm sure sister #1 will never forget, happened when I was about 3...

*** I will give you some backstory first. sister #1 is 20 years older than me, and for some reason when I was little, I liked to call her mom. As you can imagine, my mother was less than thrilled with this arrangement, so as a comprimise, I called sister #1 grandma...

So I am 3, and me, and I got in a big fight with a door... the door won.

Now this was by no means an isolated incident, so sister #1 didn't see any reason not to bring me to the store with her... In the checkout lane the conversation went something like this...

Cashier lady: what a cute daughter you have, but how did she get that black eye?
Sister #1: oh, she's not my daughter...she ran into a door
Cashier lady: o...I see  <gives sister #1 a disgusted and mistrustfull look>
Little me: she's my grandma!
Cashier lady: ok....
<sister #1 rushes me out of the line, probably hoping to avoid social services being called>

Now if there was ever a doubt in anyones mind that I was a brat as a child, it is about to be resolved...
As we walked away from the counter, I stopped, and this is what I thought would be the best thing to say to sister #1 as the cashier lady stared at us...

Yes it is a miracle that sister #1 never killed me as a child!

*** I would like to say that my sence of humor has greatly improved since then, and sister #1 and I are now very close...and she only punches me occasionally (just kidding, to my knowledge she has never punched anyone :)

My daughter may be plotting our demise....or just need a nap

I think it is high time you meet my daughter Lavender.

Lavender is 4, but inside I'm pretty sure she has at least 3 other personalities... A teenage girl, a cranky hypochondriac 70 year old, and a psychotic baby... I say this with the utmost love and respect!

Lander is a bit of a brat... lots of door slamming and snarky comments. This is a typical day for Lander...

Daddy: please clean your room before dinner
Lander: No, I don't have to, turn me on a movie!
Daddy: ummm, no... clean your room!
Lander: I'm sick of cleaning up my room, I'm never doing it again! <door slams shut>

Mommy: Lavender, are you cleaning your room?
Lander: NO...
Mommy: you aren't getting any dessert if your room isn't clean
Lander: I hate my room...You wrecked my tire life!
Mommy: Clean your room Lavender
Lander:  ackkkkk, no love for Lander ever again!!! <she falls on the floor melodramatically>

Myrtle is lavenders hypochondriac old lady persona, She has many quirks like calling everyone "hunny" or "sweety" or "dear", and complaining of having every illness known to man...

Myrtle: I just can't get up anymore, my hips hurt.
Mommy: what do you even know about hips?
Myrtle: They hurt... and my back...also I'm coughing and sneezing and hiccing-upping!
Mommy: wow, you must need to go to bed so you can get better
Myrtle: woah, big fella... I think I just need a little rest!

I don't know if you are all familiar with the show "family guy". I really don't like it myself, but my husband and sister #3 love it. Occasionally I will walk in and see stewie doing something crazy, and I think to myself "man that is lavender..." I don't mean this to be as bad as it sounds, overall she is a great kid, she is just way too smart for her own good!
I imagine that many conversations with her where she just sits and pouts at me involve an internal monologue much like this...

Lanvender/stewie: go ahead and talk meddeling woman, you just wait, soon I will be tall enough to reach the car keys, and then I will have freedom...

Mommy: Lavender do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Lavender/stewie: oh, I understand all right... I understand that you are keeping me from everything fun in the world, and for that YOU MUST DIE!!!!!

Mommy: Lavender, I asked you a question...

Lavender/stewie: Go ahead and ask... I will never answer you, never!  soon you will pay for your insulence!!!!!!!!

I would like to tell you some more about Lavender's best friend Eddy Ted, but his adventures are a saga in of themselves... Stay tuned!

What's really going on with the Denver airport?

So I am bored at work (weird) and I didn't really have anything to say, so I decided to give conspiracy theories a go. There are many conspiracies surrounding the Denver Airport. I was at work last week and my  co-worker Brittany started talking to me about all the creepy weirdness going on, and I had to investigate! The first thing I found were the paintings which hang throughout the airport.
As you can see from the ones I've included, they are not your run-of-the-mill decorations...

There are tons more, but I think you get the idea. Also there is the evil blue horse guarding the front of the building...

Of course the theories don't end with just the artwork. Many architectural issues have turned up as well... There is a lot of buzz about the fact that the aerial and map views of the airport show a swastika.

Also there are a lot of problems and oddities associated with the building of the airport, The link below is for a site that has an in-depth history of this, as well as some other fun (or not-so-fun, depending on your viewpoint) facts. Enjoy!
http://extraordinaryintelligence.com/970/the-unexplained/mysterious-murals-and-monuments-at-the-denver-airport

Stay tuned for more great (and probably ridiculous) conspiracies to come....Something strange is definitely afoot! :)

A love story (also, how you know I have way too much free time at work)

Now, I am married, so you might assume that this story is about my husband...it is not.
Let me give you a little back story...
My husband recently became obsessed with NCIS. For those of you who don't know, NCIS is one of those crime drama shows, except it is about the navy investigators. I generally cannot watch crime shows because I get so invested that they give me weird dreams, but for whatever reason I started watching it with him about a month ago. That's when I saw her, the love of my life Abby...         (sorry Bif Naked)

Anyway I love her, so I was sitting at work daydreaming, and I had a psychic flash of things to come. This is pretty much exactly how it's gonna play out...

Abby's beautiful car breaks down in front of my house. (why is she in Apple Valley, no clue, I'm pretty sure the gods dropped her off there just for me :)
It is raining, and she comes to my door, soaked and asking for a phone to call a tow truck.          

I give her a towel, and a hot toddy (because I don't want her catching a chill)

Me: don't worry, I can fix your car!   (I then develop magical powers  and fix her car, and stop the rain in a matter of seconds)

***You may be asking yourself: why have you not used your wand to become a millionaire, end world hunger, or bring about peace throughout the nations? All wonderful questions.... I will give it careful consideration.

Abby: Thank you so much! how can I ever repay you?

Me: It was all in a day's work.... But would you like to go get coffee?

Abby: I love coffee, and I think I am falling in love with you...

Me: oh, the feeling is mutual! Let's get married!             (my husband has already said that he is fine with this)

Abby: Absolutely, I couldn't imagine another day without you!

We head to Vegas and get married, and everyone lives happily ever after...THE END

This is almost definitely gonna happen just this way...hopefully in the near future :)



***P.S. I know that Abby is a fictional character...that's  OK...I have made my peace with that, and I'm sure we will still be very happy!